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Motion Sickness

April 11, 2010

I don’t like the cramped feeling in my stomach or the tension in my shoulders. Curt and I are facing a huge decision. “The smart thing to do would be to . . . . ,” Curt reasons. His words scare me. I know that my job is not to succumb to fear. His words hit close to home and I know he’s right. I don’t want to be smart, or practical, or logical.

This decision is one we put out to the universe a long time ago.  The universe has responded favorably in both directions.  We face the possibility of a completely different life path—a new direction together. The universe says, “Yes. You can go either way.  You are supported in both directions. It’s your choice.”  The decision isn’t final because there is a critical piece yet to come..

Curt and I are both part of the universe we’re trusting. We’ve made tough decisions before. Risky decisions. Curt’s mom likes to say, “You always make the wrong decision, but it always turns out right!” (Hmmmm . . .)  Like the time we bought a house in Arizona on Curt’s spring break, hoping that he would be selected to do his residency in Tucson. (He could have been sent anywhere in the country.) It turned out right.

As big a risk as that was, there seems to be more at stake in this current decision. It seems more advanced, more complicated, more intricate than any decision we’ve ever had to make. This one requires piecing together, waiting and wondering, yet being as objective as we can. We’ve had plenty of time to be inundated by demons of doubt–those little nyah-nyah-voices that dig and probe and pinch. This is not a trajectory that we simply hop on, jettisoning the superfluous and making decisions that support a foregone conclusion.

The conclusion itself is questionable. We’re faced with the “if . . .thens” of two or more directions to take which then turn into “what ifs” before we’ve filled in the “thens.” Makes my stomach tight. There seems to be no right answer and no wrong answer –just practical, impractical; desirable, undesirable; foolish, wise; solvable, unsolvable. The alternating motion makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t like fast rides anymore. I want the security which both ends eventually give me, not the insecurity which both ends eventually give me. Damn, this is hard.

My jaw is clinched. Whenever Curt gets tense and squirrely, I counsel him to let it go. Can I heed my own advice? I have to. This is no way to go through life: tense, worried, afraid. I need a recipe. I need to cook. I need to follow a plan from A to B . . .to Z. And there isn’t one. Just a bunch of ingredients and I have to improvise. I’m usually pretty good at improvising–in the kitchen. Might this be a transferable skill?

I wrote out my formula for culinary improvisation. I tried to apply it to our situation. There were too many ingredients, and I wasn’t sure if some were fresh or spoiled. I’ve ended up with a flow chart that even the best analyst couldn’t follow. (Double entendre intended). I’m trying to cook up my life, knowing that the most important criteria for life are the same as for meals: to be nourishing, tasty, healthy and satisfying, as well as a delight to the senses. Does it have to be practical? Unfortunately for me, the scary, practical side of the decision is missing a couple of ingredients that may be as essential as salt and garlic, the two ingredients that make almost anything taste good.

Curt’s suggestion at this point:  If the metaphor doesn’t fit, let it go!   Hmmmm . . . .

Nancy

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. April 11, 2010 12:16 pm

    Nancy…I appreciate your dilemma…I usually “go with my gut” even if it feels queasy…I have been wrong many times!

    I’m sure you’re do whatever feels right for you…

    Wendy

    • April 11, 2010 4:35 pm

      *you’ll*

      I shouldn’t write when I’m tired…

      • April 11, 2010 6:13 pm

        I didn’t even catch it. My brain saw “you’ll.”

    • April 11, 2010 6:11 pm

      Thanks for your comment, Wendy. I know what you mean about going with your gut. I wish we could be a little more accurate, because the gut feelings surely are strong.

      Curt and I have agreed to live creatively — life is art. So, we may not be as practical as the general consensus would have us be. I’ll blog more about this as soon as that critical piece is in.

      Nancy

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